Growing in Singleness

As a girlie deep in her healing era and passionate about creating a thriving dating life, I’m currently trying something a little counterintuitive. June marks the third month of my intentional dating hiatus. I cut off all avenues of receiving attention from men in order to connect back to my center + ground into who I am without any external validation. To say it’s been eye opening is an understatement. And it got me thinking. Singleness is such a powerful moment in time to understand yourself on a uniquely deep level. Your life is void of one of the most impactful outside influences you can have. For so many of us, this can be a scary moment. Who am I when it’s just me? But if you can lean into curiosity, you may just dig up some limiting beliefs that are holding you back from the life you want. You can create a solid foundation of self love, trust, and confidence that will make a 180° difference in your next relationship. Here are two major things I’ve learned so far about growing in singleness:

The male gaze is WILDLY influential

We’ve all been in this scenario: You’re hanging with your mom or your best friend, being a weirdo, giggling, and couldn’t care less about how you might be perceived by an outsider. Then, an attractive human walks in. Suddenly, you’re aware of a million things at once. Your hair, the sound of your voice, if your belly looks flat in your jeans. What is that phenomenon?! As women, we’ve been programmed to look a certain way to please the eye of a man. It’s deeply ingrained in our culture to seek validation from men. No matter your gender identity, this concept holds true: being in close proximity to the object of your affection can make you hyperconscious. In my time of intentional singleness, I’ve noticed just how much the male gaze influences who I show up as. Don’t get me wrong, looking and feeling my best is something I strive for when I’m on dates, as well as in every day life. However, I find it interesting that I feel a compulsive need to shift myself when an attractive man walks in. Tossel the hair, suck in the belly. I wonder, if I was so full of self validation and didn’t need validation from an external source, would I feel the need to adjust for the male gaze? It’s natural to want to look good for the object of your attraction, but I wonder if the self consciousness could be removed, leaving only a sense of, “I look and feel great right now, I hope he looks over here!” I’ve been working on being in charge of the way I feel, which leads me to my next point.

Wait…I can feel this way on my own…

Why do you want a partner? Because you want someone to share your life with! And that is such a beautiful desire. We’re wired for connection. I bet another huge reason you’d like a partner is to feel really wonderful feelings, and decrease some unpleasant feelings, yeah? Maybe you’d like to increase feelings of connection, belonging, romance, and joy. And decrease feelings like loneliness. Something I’m learning is that nothing and no one is the magic ticket for feeling everything you want to feel. Well, scratch that, there is one person. It’s YOU. You have the capability to experience every emotion you want out of a relationship before you ever have one. Do you think I’m crazy? I would always scratch my head when coaches told me this. It sounds like some woo woo fluff. Until I started practicing it and. . .  *it works*. During this dating hiatus, I’ve been filling my mind and body with feelings of connection, belonging, joy, fulfillment, and playfulness. I meditate on these feelings regularly (read this blog post for more on the 90 second process of feeling an emotion), focus my attention throughout the day on how I’m already receiving these feelings, and create new scenarios to invite these feelings into my life. There are activities that help me feel connected, joyful, playful, etc. and I sneak them into my day as much as possible. The result: I’ve become detached from the outcome of my dating life. I’m not searching for these vital feelings from my partner. I’m gonna feel great regardless of my relationship status, my needs are met. Now all I have to worry about is if my date adds to or subtracts from my great feelings. Trying to get a need met by finding a partner will leave you disappointed every time. Meet those needs yourself!

Some lofty insights from 3 months of intentional singleness, right?! I may never go back. Just kidding, love is kinda my thing. However, singlehood is a gift. It’s just as much of a gift as a partner. It doesn’t always feel that way when society is screaming “find a boyfriend!” in your face. But the magic you have the potential to experience during this time is limitless. It’s not about “preparing yourself for a relationship.” It’s about uncovering more of your authenticity, your fire, and realizing the fullness of your value already lies within. No partner required. Wildly enough, living into that truth will attract the type of partner that you deserve. Inner strength and confidence is magnetic. But trust me, don’t do it for the partner. Do it so that you can start living into the fullness of your life this very instant! If your interest is peaked, let’s talk more! Book a free discovery call with me. I’d love to help you navigate this journey. 

Xoxo,

Gracie

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A Conversation About Self Love and God’s Love

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Thoughts on Feeling the Hard Stuff