A Conversation About Self Love and God’s Love
If you’re a giver, chances are you’ve gotten yourself into this scenario a time or two…
You’ve had a busy week at work where you serve a certain community or clientele. You’ve played pick up volleyball and gone to happy hour and helped a friend move on weekday evenings. Not to mention daily workouts, meal prepping, and normal life admin that comes with being an adult. Then you get to the weekend, and realize you volunteered to teach the preschool class at church. Even though you’re completely exhausted and have expended all your energy, you follow through because you signed up. It’s half planned, the kids are annoying, and all you can think about is, “Whyyyyy did I say yes to everything this week and leave no time to fill myself up?”
I’m a giver through and through, so I’ve found myself in this scenario too many times to count, giving from a completely empty place. This is what it looks like to love someone else without first having a foundation of love for yourself. Similar to expending energy that isn’t there to begin with, you are trying to give love away that you do not already possess. I want to chat with you about the concept of sharing your love from a place of complete fullness and how it changes the quality of your relationships. My personal journey in self love goes hand in hand with my faith and how I understand my own value in relation to God. If you are a person of faith, I hope it can shift some perspectives for you too.
Self love is foundational to how we love others.
That’s a huge statement! And one that I was hesitant toward when I first heard it. Growing up in a Christian environment, I was told to die to myself, to be selfless, and to focus all my attention and energy into building up others. This parlayed into feeling guilty every time I needed to attend to myself. Saying “no” was not an option, at least not one that came guilt free. My “relationship to self” was non-existent in my eyes. I had my relationship to God, who told me I was loved and seen and safe in Him. And I had my relationship to others, in which I tried to be as selfless as humanly possible. I’m incredibly grateful for my upbringing, and the concepts I learned at church have helped me far more than they’ve hurt me. That being said, there was some unlearning I had to do. Because eliminating my needs, pretending I didn’t have desires of my own, and ignoring my emotions did not result in happy happy rainbow godly super Christian Gracie. It left me guilt ridden and in “fake it til you make it” mode. And I think that’s the opposite of how God wants any of us to live. I needed to learn that we all matter equally, including me! That we are to take care of each other, and ourselves! And that giving from an empty cup was never God’s design.
God loving you does not equal YOU loving you.
Do you love yourself? Seriously, think about it. If you are a Christian, I know you can tell me that God loves you so much you can’t even grasp it (Eph 3:18-19), that He delights in you (Psa 18:19), and that He has every hair of your head numbered (Luke 12:7). I’m sure these verses and many others where God vividly describes how much he loves you has given you comfort in some dark times. But I’m curious, does that translate into YOU loving you? Are you able to see yourself the way God sees you? I can see others that way, easy. But me? For many years, I was unable to see myself as this precious being that God created and adored. I’d read the verses, they would make me feel peaceful in the moment, then I’d go right back to making myself smaller and smaller. My needs less and less. My standards of perfectionism reaching new heights. But that’s not what a person does who believes in their bones they are loved, is it? Think about a baby being totally gawked over by her mom. That baby is giggling and being silly, clapping her hands, reaching for her mom. She’s not all, “Man, I better keep performing so mama keeps giving me these good vibes.” But that’s what we do! God doesn’t speak His love over us hundreds of times over so that we keep performing well as Christians. He does it to communicate our value to us. He’s saying, “This is how I feel about you, see yourself how I do.” He is teaching us our worth, and we are to embody it.
Embodying the love of God = self love.
How do you treat something of value? You take care of it and protect it. You are careful with it. You speak highly of it. You prioritize it. This is probably the way you treat the relationships in your life that you highly value, right? You put effort and energy into that person, affirm and encourage them, and choose time with them over other things. All qualities of a great relationship…unless… it’s at the cost of your own wellbeing. In fact, we know that Jesus taught us to “love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31) So, the love and care we give to others should mimic the love we give to ourselves. If we are loving others from an empty cup, from a cup of self hatred, impossible standards, harsh self talk and self neglect, what’s the true quality of the love we’re giving away? It probably ain’t good. So what does it look like to embody the love of God? Let’s go back to the top of the paragraph:
Take care of yourself:
Eat nourishing foods
Exercise
Take time to rest
Take time to play
Protect yourself:
Say no when you need to say no
Set boundaries when needed
Be careful with yourself:
Set realistic standards
Allow space for all your emotions to be present
Accept yourself
Forgive yourself
Have compassion for yourself in your not-so-great moments
Speak (and think) highly of yourself:
Nix the perfectionism
Notice and replace harsh self talk
Prioritize yourself:
Communicate your needs in a kind and productive way
Rest when you need to rest
Spend time filling your cup spiritually
If I could go back to my early 20’s and tell myself anything, it would be this:
It is not wrong to love yourself well. The same value you see in others applies to you too. God made you in His image (Gen 1:27), inherently filling you with worthiness. You are worthy because He imparted worth into your being. He saw His creation, and said that it was good (Gen 1:31). Good = approval, value, and acceptance. His love and favor for you is mentioned countless times in the Bible, which brings me to the conclusion that it is good and honorable to love yourself. We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). I fully acknowledge that “self” love doesn’t really originate with me. I only know how to do it because God loved me first. Let that free you of the guilt you feel for focusing care and attention on yourself. Lastly, the quality of the love you give away will grow tenfold when it comes from a deep well of self love and esteem. Your mind won’t be distracted by alllll your unmet needs, you’ll just be fully present with the people around you.
I recognize that there are many different houses of thought here and that not everyone will resonate with what I learned. That’s okay! But if you do resonate, and faith is something you want to integrate into your journey of growth and healing, I’d love to support you in that. Coaching can provide a new lens to see how our story relates to God’s. When we’re able to see our foundation a little clearer, it changes everything, including how we date! It was certainly the case for me. If you want help on the journey, I’m only a DM away. I’d love to support you in becoming your best and healthiest self. DM me @graciewinklercoaching or book a free discovery call here.
With you on the journey,
Gracie
